Pearl

In a random kingdom, there was a king whose health was ailing. This terrible soul had no end to his worries - he needed a heir urgently but his appearance looked so much like your regular douchebag that he could not get married even if he tried (he did try). Whether he's impotent or not is questionable, but the real matter at hand was simply too pressing. He could not trust any of his ministers/officials/what-have-you-not at all, it seemed as though he was the only honest dude out there paying tax; corruption was uber endemic. Sounds like a country close to home, but never mind.

He decided to come up with an extremely lame way of getting a heir - by organizing a competition. He made an announcement through out the kingdom, calling out to people far and wide all across the land (sounds like pokemon intro). Sure enough, attendance was sky high on that day itself since people turned up in droves. Heck, who doesn't want to be a king?

When the millions or billions settled down, he started his speech: "SUP MA' NIGGAS!" Ok fine he didn't start that way; he began something like this: " My time...is nearly...up..." he coughed, just like when Vader told Luke Skywalker he was his father. Everyone listened attentively with abated breath. "I shall distribute seeds...to every single one of you.." - more coughs. "Whoever has the tallest...tree..within the next nine months... shall ascend to my throne..." Before he even finished his speech, his retarded townsfolk ransacked the carts. He barely made it back to his bed breathing.

Jack (nothing to do with the beanstalk), was a rugged little kid who lived with his grandmother. He nearly got trampled to death by the IQ-deficient horde, but he did get his seed nonetheless. Being the good ol' honest kid he is, he sticked to one as compared to some greedy nutsacks who grabbed a handful. He saw this opportunity as a way out of poverty; he was going to try his utmost best to make a giant beanstalk out of it (pun really intended).

He dug a nice comfy hole for this little seedling, making sure that it gets maximum sunlight, ultra-violet radiation and all. He watered it patiently, anxiously checking on its progress on a daily basis. But all was not well for Jack. The seed he took, apparently, was stubborn as a mule. It refused to bud past day twenty, and it most certainly wasn't going to change into a sapling anytime soon. His worries were compounded when he overheard his neighbours growing eight feet tall trees by now, and he suspected them of h4x (anachronistic, I know). Despite all that bullshit, he stuck to his own routine: watering daily and praying hourly. Jack, a faithful dumbass, insisted on not switching seeds - he was sure that his seed was just LAGGING really bad.

Nine months zipped past in an instant (like always). Jack brought along his pathetic pot to the castle gates, queueing up just like everyone. He was embarassed - everyone else had the most brilliant and beautiful flora ever seen, all obviously thriving through out the summer. The king, still alive but not kicking, shook his head slowly as the peasants presented him with their masterpieces. The king got more depressed as each applicant walked passed him; he was clearly not impressed with the abundant and exotic greenery before him.

Jack succeeded in ignoring the humiliation steeming from everyone's fingers, stares, endless mutterings that reverbrated ever so clearly in his head - it was as if he became Daredevil that instant. He finally got his turn to present his work - nothing. The king cocked an eyebrow, and asked "Where's your plant?" Jack kept his head hung low. He could almost feel the king's penetrating gaze boring a hole through him, but picked up the courage and almost whispered "This is all I have got, I tried my best already."

The crowd around him roared with laughter, like duh. Jack felt his ears redden, knowing that he was going to be the laughing stock of town. Miraculously, the king smiled benignly, and offered Jack his crown. Jack could almost hear the "WTFBBQMARSHMELLOWS!" that was mouthed out by everyone; even he himself was so amazed that he felt as if he was floating.

A week later, when the king was on his death bed, minutes away from leaving this material plane, Jack stood by his bedside and asked him why was he awarded the throne when he had nothing. The king managed a chuckle, and said "I didn't hand out any seeds to begin with."







Gambling's never THAT addictive; succeeding is.

RARA

A damn long time ago, there was this little mouse who lived in an oak tree (oak because "tree" alone sounded dumb). You can try imagining a hamster or a guinea pig for that matter; I've never seen mice before except on TV. Ok so one day, the mouse got bored of nibbling stuff. It had epiphany after nibbling on some wrong stuff; it simply had to know how to become stronger in order to face his arch-nemesis : the cat. Now don't get too GP, it doesn't matter one bit what strong really means because I don't know either.

So it started his journey and asked the cat, whom, by the way, was nice on that day, the million dollar question: "What makes you so strong?" The cat didn't hesitate one bit and said " No way in hell am I the strongest, you ought to ask the dog that instead. I run away for inexplicable reasons the moment he barks!"

The mouse felt an overwhelming sense of relief; there was something that could actually scare his bully ! And so it went on and seeked out the dog, and posed the same question. The dog wagged his silly tail abit, before replying "I don't know why either but you definitely asked the wrong guy, you ought to ask the wind instead. There was once I tried chasing the cat, the wind intervened and blew him miles away! I could have tried chasing but that's when I got distracted by a bone, so..."

The mouse never felt more thrilled in his life! He spent the next half a year trying to seek out THE wind, and obviously took really long since, well, it's THE wind. When he finally chanced upon the wind, he tried asking the same question. " That ain't a tough one," was his reply. "The farking oak tree down yonder won't budge at all no matter hard I try!"

The mouse was really, really exhausted by now, but heck, the tree wasn't going anywhere anyway so he didn't mind seeking enlightenment back home. The tree, huffed, swayed, and nearly died from staying too still for too long, but it did answer slowly (like slowly) : " Like duh, it's you. I'm going to die in like, weeks, because you nibbled all my damn roots away. And the bark too, you ass"

The mouse became so wise that it grew another whisker, although that didn't stop the cat from chasing him. Damn.



Size doesn't matter - nothing really, really does neither.